im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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