my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
