I skipped work to stalk him.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
