There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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