Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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