over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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