So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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