My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
