last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
