I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
