I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
