I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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