mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
