They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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