Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
