I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
