My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
