I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Randomize
