I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
