Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
