I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
