So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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