I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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