I must be too annoying 4 u.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
