Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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