I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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