I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
