I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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