My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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