mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
