Sry I called you an 8
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
