ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
