Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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