I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
