Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
