you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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