this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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