Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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