we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
