My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Who died my cat blue again?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
