guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
