i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
