So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
