I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he fucked my hip out of place.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
