Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
