I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
