my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
