you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
