Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
