see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
