Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We are two peas in an std pod
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
At least life still wants to fuck me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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